Update

It's been a while since I've posted, with little access to the internet, and a semi-functional computer it's been hard to communicate. I have just started at Winners as an allocation analyst - had my first day of the actual position today - so far so good!

Toronto has been good to me, and I really have no complaints. Just moved in with my brother, and so far everything is smooth besides a minor problem with moth infestation which is honestly unlike anything i have ever experienced before. I wouldn't recommend it unless you in fact enjoy a super-high drycleaning bill.

Last piece of news, is that I got published! Well sort of, by an online magazine. Check it out

Starting Over

I walk down the streets of the city so alien and yet so strangely familiar. My eyes are heavy from sleep deprivation, my mind racing in a million directions with things that I have to do to re-establish myself here. In Toronto. My new home for now.

Four hours after landing I have a cell phone and a new bank account. When filling out the forms for the new account it hit me – the U word: “UNEMPLOYED”. Although it’s been all of two weeks since I have officially been unemployed, and it was my choice to do so, and all of this happened in a different country and I do have interviews lined up, there is always that nagging insecurity that six months down the road I’ll be without work. There is the nagging insecurity now that I have no more money coming into my bank account so my credit card bills are getting higher and my bank balances are getting lower. Not a pretty situation. That is always the risk with moving I suppose.

I navigate the subway system with reasonable success, watching the tin-can like trains pulling in and out of stations. They all seem uniform unlike New York where they come in a variety of shapes, sizes and inevitably marked with some colorful expression. I ride the Yonge-University-Spadina line at rush hour and see something akin to what I’m used to: the crowds, the multi-ethnic mix, the I-pods. Nothing quite compares to those flushing bound 7 trains though. The announcements are clearly articulated, never mumbled. There is no local or express. The whole thing is geared to be user friendly. Which is weird. To me at least.

Everyone seems friendlier. Really friendly. In fact, when en-route to an interview this morning I found myself at Yorkdale subway station with no clue of which direction I was going, a helpful bus driver wrote down the address and dropped me right across the street. They smile, they say thank you, and I notice their accents ten times more. I do miss the harsh gruffness of New Yorkers but this is a nice change. They’re not overly friendly to the point where it’s uncomfortable, but you may have the occasional person actually speak to you in an elevator.

Overall it’s been a good two days. On Sunday I move into my sublet for the summer which is in Kensington Market. I’ve heard good things but this is kind of like the first time I moved to New York. So many familiar names but no meaning attached to them. I am looking forward to discovering more and associating names with memories and meaning. I am looking forward to the next few months.

For My Friends...

It has been a long time since I last posted - exactly a month! So much has happened, and in a way a previous post of mine fore-shadowed the whole thing. In seven days I am leaving New York. Wow.

This is a place that has given me such wonderful things and surrounded me with some of the best friends I've ever had. They say a city like this grows on you, gets it's claws deep into you and before you know it you can't remember why living anywhere else was so great. Yet when I look back four years ago, to when I first found out I was moving down here, I remember being surprisingly numb about the whole experience. Absence makes the heart grow fonder but as my memories of a place grow weaker will I forget? I have forgotten much of what held me in Montreal, and maybe I'll forget much of what held me here.

But here was different, here was alive, here was full of life. I have met people here that I really care about and that really care about me. I've met people that will let me pour my heart out to them at any opportune moment, and know when a hug or comforting words is the right thing to say or do. I've met people that are sad to see me leave and I'm sad to leave. In a way, it is the greatest gift one could ever ask for. To love and be loved, not only in the romantic sense of the word but to find people who truly understand who you are and what you need.

I am grateful for the friendship and the good times, and to those I'm leaving I say only this - nothing in life is permanent or absolute; you never know what the future might hold. I will miss you all, but I'm not going that far nor am I intending to stay there the rest of my life. But this is what is best for right here and right now and I'm so happy that you understand that so well. Thank you for giving me a fantastic four years.

Transitioning to the working world

I feel that I have been studying forever and always looking at each situation as a temporary pause before what's next. After 7 months of full-time work I am finally realizing that this is it. No more full-time school (at least for the next few years or so), no more flexible schedule, no more learning. Now I am finally in my career. Which feels very strange. It's taken me awhile to grow into this new role of working, of having responsibilities, accountability and bosses to report to, but I have to say it's starting to grow on me. I have to learn to live with making mistakes (and while nobody likes mistakes, I hate hate hate them - I totally obsess over them), and I have to learn to really learn from them. I have to learn that it never ends, not like the end of a semester, final exams, projects, papers that I can just say what I have to and put it behind me. I need to be able to constantly work to get better, fine tune all that I do, and grow. Sometimes the world of work can make one feel so immature and unexposed. Especially in a career-oriented role. But I feel like I can overcome this, like this is just one more thing to learn, to build upon. I feel like there is finally direction, and I'm finally getting somewhere.

Changes…

In the past week my life has changed dramatically. I received a call from a company called BH Multicom, a jewelry manufacturer who happened to work with another company that I had interviewed with. The planner in question, a very sweet lady named Eva Pang, forwarded my information on to this company, when it was ascertained that they could not sponsor me for an H1B visa. God, how I hate that word…hahaha. In the past weeks and months it has become the bane of my existence, my nemesis, my archrival. But now I feel as though I have finally won, my search has not been in vain. I can stay in the United States, more importantly I can stay in New York City. I have a choice. But I am also wary of becoming to relaxed – there is much work ahead of me.

A phone call on July 11, left me in panic as they placed me on hold. I scrambled through my entire job search folder to determine exactly when and why I had applied to BH Multicom. When Benny, (who I later discovered is the President of the company!) came on the line, he assured me that I had not applied, but in fact had been referred by a client of theirs. He asked me if I was free that day and of course I said yes. What else did I have to do? Sit and pray and wait for an opportunity like this to land into my lap? Well it wasn’t quite that simple. I had two hours to prepare and I was in anything but interview mode. My suits were all crumpled and I could not find my iron. I tried using febreeze anti-wrinkling spray but to no avail. In twenty minutes I had tried on no less than three different outfits and made a trip down to Duane Reade in order to see if I could locate something to straighten up the mess my interview clothes were in. I had fallen into a bit of a slump – frustrated by strange interviews and jobs I didn’t want.

I clambered into a cab, with barely enough time to make it. The cab driver was extremely talkative and proceeded to interrogate me as if to get to the bottom of exactly who I was and why I was there. He then told me all about him and informed me when we were passing through restaurant row and then when we were passing through Little Brazil. After the grand tour of 46th street he encouraged me to be more confident before dropping me off in front.

The interview was fairly simple. They seemed very nice – a Persian family-owned business. They decided to try me out for a few days and then make a decision. Since then my life has been a whirlwind of changes and excitement. There is so much going on and I suddenly feel a part of something bigger, something to work towards, something to attain.

And that is the greatest feeling of all.

The Decision

It’s funny when it comes to a point in your life where you have to make a big decision in a matter of one or two days…a decision that will affect the rest of your life and career. I have such a decision to make today. I had a final interview for a temporary assistant planner position at Steve Madden. They offered me fifteen bucks an hour and an employee discount to start on Monday. They’re not sure if they can sponsor me, and they’re not sure they’ll even have a position open that I qualify for in three or four months time. I really like the people I’d be working with but there’s all that uncertainty. I have to tell them on Wednesday. I also had an interview with Abercrombie & Fitch for an actual training program, who have a legal department and do sponsor. They are getting back to me at the end of the week for a second interview. It’s merchandising, so it’ll be very product-involved…and let’s face it, nobody merchandises quite like they do! It’d be an amazing experience, although it does involve me moving away from my beloved New York.

The fact is this: do I take instant gratification and delay the resolution of the ongoing uncertainty in my mind? Do I appease my need to do something now? Do I take what I can for the experience? Who’s to say I will get the Abercrombie job, or any other job? The fact is when you’re not a citizen or green card holder, as I’ve learned, all bets are off. What if I do take this, and then in October am stuck again? What if I don’t take this, and never get a job? What if, what if what if??? All I know is I can’t take the uncertainty any longer. I’ve been uncertain all this time…I don’t want to be uncertain anymore.

What is the best way to make a decision like this? How can you decide between something that is definite but temporary and something that is indefinite and long-term? The unknown is sometimes scarier than the known - at least the latter is tangible. But does that always mean we take the safe route? When is taking a risk the right thing to do? And when is it not? It is this of which I am not sure. Why do we fear the unknown? What makes us anxious and nervous? Why can we not just let go and trust in God that he will lead us the right way? Worries creep in, uncertainties persist and anxiety swells till it is all-encompassing. It messes with your head after some time. Then you can't tell what fear is real, and what is imagined.